Me first! Me first!

Every day we are besieged by life moving around us, pushing us forward, knocking us down, with little time to get up and brush ourselves off. Our day rushes forward with little consideration of our surroundings only to ensure that we get back to our homes as quickly as possible to sit and do nothing. Do nothing -- until you stand back up to rush through your day with the goal of doing the cycle all over again.

A couple days ago, I was returning home on the train to be witness to a rather extraordinary example of this aimless rushing about. Recent renovations of the commuter train stations often create a (temporarily) crowded exit from the platform that wasn't set up to really accommodate large amounts of passangers exiting the train. Most passangers are patient, clumping around the platform exit waiting for an opportunity to push to the exit-way.

I usually to want to avoid crowding and pushing, so I tend to stay to the very back of the exiting crowd. Occassionally, I'll notice the one or two people rushing up to the front of the crowd only to make the clumping crowd worse.

So anyway, one day I'm standing toward the rear of the crowd and slowly made my way to the exit when, suddenly, I felt a plump, fleshy mass plop itself on the arm I had angled to hold my backpack strap. I glanced down to see it was a human female breast, resting right there on my forearm almost as if delicately placed there as a museum piece or a body decoration.

I ignored its presence at first, but as we shuffled to the exit, the breast's owner pushed forward to the point where I could now feel her nipple through the fabric, creeping down my arm.

I couldn't resist... so among the throngs of people, I proclaimed loudly:

"Ma'am, could you please remove your breast from my arm. It is unsightly. Thank you."

She blushes and quickly replies, "my breast is not on your arm."

"Ma'am,... I feel nipple. Take it off."

I mean, seriously. Are our lives in such a rush that we use brut tactics to gain five feet in a line or a car length on the road? Are we so pressed for time that we're willing to risk our blood pressure and stress levels just to ensure you are first in line? Does it really matter that the person in front of us may get to the next stop light a few milliseconds before you do? And if you do get there first, what have you accomplished? In the grand scheme if it all, the extra, wasted effort is futile. I would prefer to be last in line, avoiding a heart attack.

The "me first" attitude is ridiculous these days - like the little kid at the front of the room waving his hand violently to answer the question. He was an annoying wanker then, and he's not grown up much since then.

Give a penny, take a penny

I guess my most profound moments come when I'm doing the most mundane things.  This moment came whilst standing in the checkout line at the local 7-11, yuppie-bottle of water in hand.  I saw the tray immediately next to the register labeled, "Give a Penny Take a Penny."  And nearly everyone in line ahead of me used that tray to either give or take a penny.


I am often floored by the irony of life sometimes, but this one was probably one of my most monumental "ah-ha!" moments.  I am surrounded daily by folks who are self-absorbed and often too concerned with their own life-trajectory that they never stop to consider how helping others could help them in the long run.  I can't tell you the number of people that have ribbed me for giving so much money to music organizations as donations.  They just don't get it, and it's sad.  I give because it's in my nature and my heart to give.  Those who know me well know that I will give until my last dime is gone, and then I'll find more ways to give.  I give because I know that no matter how well I have it, there are others out there that can benefit from what little gain I have on life.  Giving someone else that one moment of happiness effects me immensely. Give a penny...


My last post reflected on my first real date since the end of my last long relationship.  I found out today that there will be no second date, which was a huge blow to my ego and generally makes me nauseous that I will have to continue with the rather boring and (yes) degrading process of dating.  But the ego blow was over the fact that I wasn't a 30"-waisted, blond Nordic god.  I suppose my life gets in the way of doing 300 sit-ups a day, and preparing 5 healthy meals a day.  I suppose getting an "A" for effort isn't worth a second chance to make a first impression.  But I digress.  The bottom line is that it hurt to hear that I looked -- and I quote, "drop-dead gorgeous 10-15 pounds ago."  Fuck. You.  Frankly, I nearly erupted in tears -- never mind WHY I gained those 10-15 pounds, but to know that someone was so self-absorbed with the "now" to not consider a future with infinite possibilities is beyond me.  Take a penny...mothafucka.



So this is going to be a rant-and-soapbox post, but, the whole game of dating eludes me.  The coy first attraction turns to a decent first date,and then (*crickets*) you never hear from them again.  Or, they are a psychopath.  Or both.  Why can't people just say, upfront, "I'm not interested," or "Sorry, but I just don't think we match"? Instead, they lead you on or say nothing for fear of "hurting you."  I have so many wild, angry thoughts in my mind right now it's hard to structure them for the blog.  But the bottom line is, I just want to date someone nice.  I don't want to plan a wedding; I don't want to talk matching robes; It's too early for clearing out a space in the closet.  Just someone willing to give a penny and take a penny. 


I think I have a lot to offer people (ego talking here), and I guess I sometimes don't read people correctly.  Which brings up a totally different point.  If someone is interested in me, why don't they just say it?  Regardless, finding ways to meet those people aren't easy. I don't think going to the bar, or meeting someone online - even though everyone does it - is the way I want to meet someone.  I suppose this is why so many artists die alone, frustrated and ... dare I say... penniless.

The Perfect Match

So, I finally ventured on an "official" date last night after a very long hiatus (nearly a year) from any such social interaction. On the positive side, I enjoyed meeting someone new. On the negative side, it causes you to be very self-consious. I have no trouble being me, but then I have to concern myself with how others like me being me. It's a slippery game to play, and at my age, I'm becoming less concerned, which probably isn't a good thing.

As for the date itself, I had a good dinner and I dragged us to see Sharón Clarke do her saltry Jazz thing on the DC waterfront. I left happy, if only just watching the Jazz. I'm a pretty poor judge as to whether the date went great or not since dates I've gone on in the past ended well, in my mind, only to be told 24 hours later that they weren't interested. We'll see how this one goes.

The bottom line for me is that for all my faults (of which I am well-aware!) I just want someone to come home to and share my life with. Too many times I've dated people and been in relationships with those that have their own agenda, for which I am not a part. I know I've been used, and I know I've let myself be used. BUT - I think I've worked out the formula. The challenge is to recognize the equation when it presents itself. But people put so many restrictions on what they like, and I just don't have the mental capacity to keep it all straight...they want a certain hair/eye color, height, body weight, job, social circle, etc. Too much to consider! I don't think about those things as how they relate to me, so when they're suddenly thrown on me, I tend to start being very self-aware, which I tend not to be, usually.

That said, as decisive as I am, and as direct as my personality is, I have a challenge reading the thoughts from the other side of the fence, or even when the fence gate is opened. The bottom line is that I'm just not good at this dating thing. I tend to be much more Euro-minded about "dating" (which is really done mostly in contenintal Europe)... I like going out and meeting people. When you meet the right "one," you'll know it and it will develop. It's much more social. For them, there's no formal process. Our culture makes a structured process out of it, and, frankly, I enjoy parts of our process, but can't be bothered with most of it. [Rant ends here]

So, the question everyone wants to know... will there be another date? Ask me 20 lbs from now.

Sad State of Affairs

Well folks, I have to admit that I've not been the world's best blogger, blogging daily and soliciting feedback. But, here I am, shuffling it back to life!

A few months ago, I moved into my new house after a serendipitous route trailing back to the sale of my DC condo. I miss that little gem, but the longer I'm away, the more I realize why I moved and why it was a good thing.

Today, I was riding home on the train and started thinking about how drastically my life had changed in only the last few months. In DC, I was turning into a wretched, aggressive prick, complicated with traffic and the general nuisance it takes to do anything or go anywhere. The convenience of not having to drive was far outweighed by the downright monster I was becoming. And then there was the relationship thing...

Anyway, I'm back on track, with a relaxing train ride to work each morning. I've weaned myself off of the caffeine drinks, and I have space to spread my wings. This morning on the train I looked around at the others and saw so many sad faces and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. I am the happiest I think I have been in a very long time. Not even the liars and two-faced crocks I deal with at work can ruin the change I've made in my life right now.

But there are always sad parts in my life. I miss my mother and father terribly. I hear others talk about their parents often and think, gosh, my parents never really saw me or my brothers become "adults." My mother never even saw middle age! But - I have a new lease on life, new goals and a new direction. I don't think it's time to share it with that some-one just yet. I need a little time to myself for a while to enjoy this "happy thing."

Just do one thing for me: as you're sitting in traffic and cursing your fellow driver, or on an escalator and wishing people would move, or in line somewhere and just can't be patient... think to yourself... does it really matter? I can tell you now. No, it doesn't.

Dreamiest of sleeps, all! Loves ya!

What's your poo telling you?

I have resisted starting a new blog after obliterating my last one. But, here we are, starting over and taking a fresh, new look at the world around us.

I laugh often at the use of common phrases like, "normal guy" or "mainstream media" to describe people and things that, let's face it, aren't normal or mainstream. In fact, let me step out on a ledge to say that we all are unique. It's the extent to which we try to hide it that puts us on that perceived scale or normalcy.

Seriously, now -- the majority of us wouldn't think of telling anyone that we look at our poo before flushing, but you know you do. Yet, somehow the people who feel comfortable enough to discuss their poo among friends get labeled as weird. Go figure.

Anywho, I started this new blog after many people asked for some of my prose about my life observations. So here we are... observing. My last blog was deleted because I placed a post about my Christmas dinner experience with my sister-in-law and her family the holiday after my father died. She meant well, but between stomaching the unnecessary comments about 9-11, and the slightly-too-awkward absence of my father, I felt grossly out-of-place. I left the dinner politely and visited friends for a quiet drink before spending the evening alone. I wrote that information in my blog, and she read it. She was so offended by it, it seems she told others in the family about how offended she was, but somehow neglected to tell me. Later, I was investigating some other odd things happening, and through Q&A with several family members, found out. Nice tact - next time, tell me directly, and we'll work it out. So, I told my brother if she was still offended, to please contact me instead of spreading our dirt around the whole family - but I wasn't apologizing. I haven't heard from her since.

I'm sure you could care less about that story and would rather hear about my own thoughts about those diversions from normalcy that I observe every day. So, let's get to it. And, by the way, I evacuated rabbit poo this morning -- must have been the salad last night (?).

Irreverant Pragmatism? Wha?

Ok, so I filled out this very extensive questionnaire that spit out this summary of "Stuart." EVERY last word in it fits my personality to the very n-th degree! I can't get over how accurate it was (I think they spoke to Colleen, damn her!) I especially like three things: "You dislike unnecessary rules" and "you are generally not interested in pleasing boring people" and "You tend to be irreverant and pragmatic." Bingo! The "conversations" paragraph is on the money, too. Wow, I just can't get over it.


But here is the response... very scary:


You are courageous; and you seek challenges. You are a tough-minded, independent and daring thinker who likes to explore ideas or problems thoroughly. You focus easily. And you are persistent, systematic and competent in pursuing your interests and goals.


You are also assertive; and you enjoy the opportunities your hard work wins.


You think quickly, make decisions more easily than most, dislike unnecessary rules, and take a rational approach to people, issues and ideas.


You don't often enjoy "small talk". You are generally not interested in pleasing boring people and you gravitate to men and women who are intellectually exciting and get to their point quickly during conversations.


You are not conventional in most of your attitudes and values. You tend to be irreverent and pragmatic and you like spontaneous people. You can be an exciting, yet hard driving and exacting, friend and companion.

I don't understand why

I don't understand why...
pushing a stroller, tugging rolling luggage, or steering a shopping cart suddenly gives you justification to run over others and give you precedent over others around you. Silly me!


I don't understand why...
people complain about how inconvenienced they are even when they aren't. The sky is falling!


I don't understand why...
people are bigoted. There is at least one thing about us all that is undesirable. Get over it!


I don't understand why...
people aren't petrified of death. Religion aside, isn't ANYone mortified about their death?


I don't understand why...
people refuse to go to work at the sight of the first snowflake, but will drive through the Alaskan tundra to get milk and eggs (that will rot in the refridgerator).


I don't understand why...
it takes months to lose weight but two days to gain 10 pounds. What up wid dat??


I don't understand why...
(some) people on facebook get offended if you "unfriend" them, avoid them, or somehow overlook them. Pick up the phone, visit or meet up for dinner... I gaurantee none of those things will happen. I don't use Facebook as a weapon or an oracle for my feelings. Take a deep breath!


I don't understand why...
people are nosey. Will it alter one's life to know my preferred ?


I don't understand why...
we pay property taxes.


...there are more. Feel free to add!