Give a penny, take a penny

I guess my most profound moments come when I'm doing the most mundane things.  This moment came whilst standing in the checkout line at the local 7-11, yuppie-bottle of water in hand.  I saw the tray immediately next to the register labeled, "Give a Penny Take a Penny."  And nearly everyone in line ahead of me used that tray to either give or take a penny.


I am often floored by the irony of life sometimes, but this one was probably one of my most monumental "ah-ha!" moments.  I am surrounded daily by folks who are self-absorbed and often too concerned with their own life-trajectory that they never stop to consider how helping others could help them in the long run.  I can't tell you the number of people that have ribbed me for giving so much money to music organizations as donations.  They just don't get it, and it's sad.  I give because it's in my nature and my heart to give.  Those who know me well know that I will give until my last dime is gone, and then I'll find more ways to give.  I give because I know that no matter how well I have it, there are others out there that can benefit from what little gain I have on life.  Giving someone else that one moment of happiness effects me immensely. Give a penny...


My last post reflected on my first real date since the end of my last long relationship.  I found out today that there will be no second date, which was a huge blow to my ego and generally makes me nauseous that I will have to continue with the rather boring and (yes) degrading process of dating.  But the ego blow was over the fact that I wasn't a 30"-waisted, blond Nordic god.  I suppose my life gets in the way of doing 300 sit-ups a day, and preparing 5 healthy meals a day.  I suppose getting an "A" for effort isn't worth a second chance to make a first impression.  But I digress.  The bottom line is that it hurt to hear that I looked -- and I quote, "drop-dead gorgeous 10-15 pounds ago."  Fuck. You.  Frankly, I nearly erupted in tears -- never mind WHY I gained those 10-15 pounds, but to know that someone was so self-absorbed with the "now" to not consider a future with infinite possibilities is beyond me.  Take a penny...mothafucka.



So this is going to be a rant-and-soapbox post, but, the whole game of dating eludes me.  The coy first attraction turns to a decent first date,and then (*crickets*) you never hear from them again.  Or, they are a psychopath.  Or both.  Why can't people just say, upfront, "I'm not interested," or "Sorry, but I just don't think we match"? Instead, they lead you on or say nothing for fear of "hurting you."  I have so many wild, angry thoughts in my mind right now it's hard to structure them for the blog.  But the bottom line is, I just want to date someone nice.  I don't want to plan a wedding; I don't want to talk matching robes; It's too early for clearing out a space in the closet.  Just someone willing to give a penny and take a penny. 


I think I have a lot to offer people (ego talking here), and I guess I sometimes don't read people correctly.  Which brings up a totally different point.  If someone is interested in me, why don't they just say it?  Regardless, finding ways to meet those people aren't easy. I don't think going to the bar, or meeting someone online - even though everyone does it - is the way I want to meet someone.  I suppose this is why so many artists die alone, frustrated and ... dare I say... penniless.

The Perfect Match

So, I finally ventured on an "official" date last night after a very long hiatus (nearly a year) from any such social interaction. On the positive side, I enjoyed meeting someone new. On the negative side, it causes you to be very self-consious. I have no trouble being me, but then I have to concern myself with how others like me being me. It's a slippery game to play, and at my age, I'm becoming less concerned, which probably isn't a good thing.

As for the date itself, I had a good dinner and I dragged us to see Sharón Clarke do her saltry Jazz thing on the DC waterfront. I left happy, if only just watching the Jazz. I'm a pretty poor judge as to whether the date went great or not since dates I've gone on in the past ended well, in my mind, only to be told 24 hours later that they weren't interested. We'll see how this one goes.

The bottom line for me is that for all my faults (of which I am well-aware!) I just want someone to come home to and share my life with. Too many times I've dated people and been in relationships with those that have their own agenda, for which I am not a part. I know I've been used, and I know I've let myself be used. BUT - I think I've worked out the formula. The challenge is to recognize the equation when it presents itself. But people put so many restrictions on what they like, and I just don't have the mental capacity to keep it all straight...they want a certain hair/eye color, height, body weight, job, social circle, etc. Too much to consider! I don't think about those things as how they relate to me, so when they're suddenly thrown on me, I tend to start being very self-aware, which I tend not to be, usually.

That said, as decisive as I am, and as direct as my personality is, I have a challenge reading the thoughts from the other side of the fence, or even when the fence gate is opened. The bottom line is that I'm just not good at this dating thing. I tend to be much more Euro-minded about "dating" (which is really done mostly in contenintal Europe)... I like going out and meeting people. When you meet the right "one," you'll know it and it will develop. It's much more social. For them, there's no formal process. Our culture makes a structured process out of it, and, frankly, I enjoy parts of our process, but can't be bothered with most of it. [Rant ends here]

So, the question everyone wants to know... will there be another date? Ask me 20 lbs from now.

Sad State of Affairs

Well folks, I have to admit that I've not been the world's best blogger, blogging daily and soliciting feedback. But, here I am, shuffling it back to life!

A few months ago, I moved into my new house after a serendipitous route trailing back to the sale of my DC condo. I miss that little gem, but the longer I'm away, the more I realize why I moved and why it was a good thing.

Today, I was riding home on the train and started thinking about how drastically my life had changed in only the last few months. In DC, I was turning into a wretched, aggressive prick, complicated with traffic and the general nuisance it takes to do anything or go anywhere. The convenience of not having to drive was far outweighed by the downright monster I was becoming. And then there was the relationship thing...

Anyway, I'm back on track, with a relaxing train ride to work each morning. I've weaned myself off of the caffeine drinks, and I have space to spread my wings. This morning on the train I looked around at the others and saw so many sad faces and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. I am the happiest I think I have been in a very long time. Not even the liars and two-faced crocks I deal with at work can ruin the change I've made in my life right now.

But there are always sad parts in my life. I miss my mother and father terribly. I hear others talk about their parents often and think, gosh, my parents never really saw me or my brothers become "adults." My mother never even saw middle age! But - I have a new lease on life, new goals and a new direction. I don't think it's time to share it with that some-one just yet. I need a little time to myself for a while to enjoy this "happy thing."

Just do one thing for me: as you're sitting in traffic and cursing your fellow driver, or on an escalator and wishing people would move, or in line somewhere and just can't be patient... think to yourself... does it really matter? I can tell you now. No, it doesn't.

Dreamiest of sleeps, all! Loves ya!