I've had a roller-coaster weekend, and a flood of song lyrics have come to mind that are helping me get through the emotions - this is the recurring set that won't let go:
From "Company":
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive.
Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone,
not alive.
Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
being alive!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
I saw tomorrow (a poem)
I saw tomorrow, and it was grand.
Without today, it lay unbound and free
to wander my mind and agree.
I saw tomorrow, and it was sad.
With tethers born in restraint
and desire and need.
I saw tomorrow, and it was blessed.
With love long past still
in my head.
I saw tomorrow, and it was dead.
With fear and waste, it fought
to live.
I saw tomorrow, and it was loved.
With passion never seen, it fell
in the arms of someone who cared.
I saw tomorrow, and it was new.
Clothed in warmth, it sang
new songs of renewal and hope.
I saw tomorrow, and it was gone.
(written to approach my thoughts of a bright new future while dealing with feelings of abandonment and need for companionship)
Without today, it lay unbound and free
to wander my mind and agree.
I saw tomorrow, and it was sad.
With tethers born in restraint
and desire and need.
I saw tomorrow, and it was blessed.
With love long past still
in my head.
I saw tomorrow, and it was dead.
With fear and waste, it fought
to live.
I saw tomorrow, and it was loved.
With passion never seen, it fell
in the arms of someone who cared.
I saw tomorrow, and it was new.
Clothed in warmth, it sang
new songs of renewal and hope.
I saw tomorrow, and it was gone.
(written to approach my thoughts of a bright new future while dealing with feelings of abandonment and need for companionship)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Blabber mouth
So, as a very loose follow-up to my earlier note, 'You Have Got to be Joking...,' I felt compelled to tell a story. Numbers 10 and 11 in that note were the result of an incident I had on MARC (a DC commuter train). During rush hour that train line is packed tighter than a Labor Day shoe sale at Macy's and you can't be choosy with seats. I ended up next to a pair of ladies, clearly federal employees who were already entrenched in conversation.
Admittedly, one of the ladies felt compelled to keep her voice hushed and limit her end of the conversation to less-that-five-word comments. (And we appreciate her for that!)
But no... her friend, with one of those annoying, shrill voices that always sounds like she's complaining (even if she isn't), proceeded to give a tell-all of every possible topic that entered her cranial lobes and spewed it forth in one, loud stream of unbearable consciousness.
Being the ever-attentive observer I am, I grabbed my trusty phone and hastily typed a recount of her monologue. Below are my notes... direct from that Horse's mouth. Since she felt it necessary that our whole train car know the topic of conversation, I figured it must be important enough to share with all of you on facebook! Here goes (my personal comments in parentheses):
She has 2 children.
She works in a cubical.
She recently had a prank pulled on her where her work phone was encased in rubber bands. (this is our tax dollars at work, folks!)
She segments her friends into three distinct groups: mothers, friends from college, and friends of her husband. (so sad)
She is pregnant and leaving work on maternity leave in a week. (I didn't notice!)
She had Thanksgiving at home only with her own family because her dining room only seats 15 people. (ONLY!)
Her husband's family is all from Maryland.
She recently had a mysterious set of wires left on her desk at work. (I believe is was a hint to wire her trap shut!)
Her coworker recently wore a pirate costume to work (odd for January?) that included a foam gun that got thru security. (Well, Duh! Foam!)
A guy rushed the security in her building (I thought you only rushed sororities??)
When her building has bomb threats, they put multiple babies in a crib and wheel them out together. (Interesting, but I still didn't give a sh*t.)
She works in the Marshall Judicial Building (so?)
The ID checks in her building's security require them to view and TOUCH the ids! (ew! But I still don't give a sh*t)
She is always stopped at security because she has metal tipped heels (HELLO! Pregnant!)
----
This went on for half an hour. I nearly ran over people trying to get off that train.
Admittedly, one of the ladies felt compelled to keep her voice hushed and limit her end of the conversation to less-that-five-word comments. (And we appreciate her for that!)
But no... her friend, with one of those annoying, shrill voices that always sounds like she's complaining (even if she isn't), proceeded to give a tell-all of every possible topic that entered her cranial lobes and spewed it forth in one, loud stream of unbearable consciousness.
Being the ever-attentive observer I am, I grabbed my trusty phone and hastily typed a recount of her monologue. Below are my notes... direct from that Horse's mouth. Since she felt it necessary that our whole train car know the topic of conversation, I figured it must be important enough to share with all of you on facebook! Here goes (my personal comments in parentheses):
She has 2 children.
She works in a cubical.
She recently had a prank pulled on her where her work phone was encased in rubber bands. (this is our tax dollars at work, folks!)
She segments her friends into three distinct groups: mothers, friends from college, and friends of her husband. (so sad)
She is pregnant and leaving work on maternity leave in a week. (I didn't notice!)
She had Thanksgiving at home only with her own family because her dining room only seats 15 people. (ONLY!)
Her husband's family is all from Maryland.
She recently had a mysterious set of wires left on her desk at work. (I believe is was a hint to wire her trap shut!)
Her coworker recently wore a pirate costume to work (odd for January?) that included a foam gun that got thru security. (Well, Duh! Foam!)
A guy rushed the security in her building (I thought you only rushed sororities??)
When her building has bomb threats, they put multiple babies in a crib and wheel them out together. (Interesting, but I still didn't give a sh*t.)
She works in the Marshall Judicial Building (so?)
The ID checks in her building's security require them to view and TOUCH the ids! (ew! But I still don't give a sh*t)
She is always stopped at security because she has metal tipped heels (HELLO! Pregnant!)
----
This went on for half an hour. I nearly ran over people trying to get off that train.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Defining Moments
I couldn't sleep, as usual, and had this topic on my mind lately. I wanted to get it written down, and perhaps it may connnect with you in some way. There are moments that were very defining in my life. Some were inspirational, some were sad, and some were frightening. But they all made me the person I am:
- Watching the sun set behind the Twelve Apostles in Australia. More than anything, this has been the single most inspirational point in my life... more than anyone can imagine. I want my ashes spread there. (for photos, see below)
- The days my mother and father died. I was never that close to them, but I have felt more lonely since. (One of the many things that feed my abandonment feelings.)
- The day I left my hometown of Lumberton, NC to live in Germany. Those two years were the turning point of my life. It was truly a Godsend.
- The day I completed my first marathon. That was a goal that took hard work and self-motivation. I also thought I wouldn't live to see the next day! I have since done three more.
- The first night I saw the WW II memorial in DC. I can't put my finger on this one, as to why, but it touches me, and the water fountains are exceptionally calming. Go on a hot, arid night - spectacular!
- The day I brought my cat, Jacob, home for the first time. As every pet owner knows, that unconditional love is un-matched.
- The moment I saw my first coral reef in Bonaire on my first SCUBA trip. Breathtaking...
- A quiet moment I stood alone at the bow of a cruise ship in the dark hours of the morning. It was worth the whole trip for those few moments.
- The first concert I sang at the Kennedy Center.
- The day my mother told me she had cancer.
- The moment I discovered what 'religion' means to me.
- The ferry ride at dusk, returning from Alcatraz to the wharf in San Francisco.
- The quiet moment, just at dusk, when the mist settled on the mountainside at a lodge I was staying in the Smokies.
- The first meal I had with Joe at the mall in Chapel Hill, NC. He had a bigger impact on my life than he probably knows, now.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
You have GOT to be joking...
1. People who wait until all their items are tallied and bagged before pulling out their wallet to hunt for money or a credit card should be quartered and hung to dry.
2. Those people who consistently choose the locker immediately next to me, when the locker room is completely empty (or close to it) need to learn a lesson about personal space.
3. A turn signal on the common auto was invented by Oscar J. Simler in 1929. After 90 years, you would think the American public would learn how to use them.
4. I grew up in North Carolina where I was taught (through osmosis) that people North of Rocky Mount, NC are "yankees and can't drive." It wasn't until I moved to DC and experienced driving in the area that I realized I was taught correctly.
5. Customer service ended with the invention of the personal computer.
(5a. "The system" and its up, down or sideways status is no excuse for a service employee's ignorance or laziness.)
6. I realized, dusting off my piano this weekend, that of the 88 keys, there are about 15-20 that are never touched. (Time to pull out Rachmoninov!)
7. During the same dusting experience, I realized dust can attach itself to the BOTTOM of anything.
8. I learned this week (through experience) that windshield wiper fluid that is "safe down to 20-below," isn't.
9. How many buttons must one push, levers must one lift, and choices must one make before a gas pump actually pumps gas?
10. Why, on a crowded commuter train, must there always be ONE person who talks so loudly, all other conversations must cease?
11. Why, for that same individual, is their conversation inevitably and unbearably boring?
12. Why are your favorite undershorts always in the laundry?
...maybe I'll add to these later...
2. Those people who consistently choose the locker immediately next to me, when the locker room is completely empty (or close to it) need to learn a lesson about personal space.
3. A turn signal on the common auto was invented by Oscar J. Simler in 1929. After 90 years, you would think the American public would learn how to use them.
4. I grew up in North Carolina where I was taught (through osmosis) that people North of Rocky Mount, NC are "yankees and can't drive." It wasn't until I moved to DC and experienced driving in the area that I realized I was taught correctly.
5. Customer service ended with the invention of the personal computer.
(5a. "The system" and its up, down or sideways status is no excuse for a service employee's ignorance or laziness.)
6. I realized, dusting off my piano this weekend, that of the 88 keys, there are about 15-20 that are never touched. (Time to pull out Rachmoninov!)
7. During the same dusting experience, I realized dust can attach itself to the BOTTOM of anything.
8. I learned this week (through experience) that windshield wiper fluid that is "safe down to 20-below," isn't.
9. How many buttons must one push, levers must one lift, and choices must one make before a gas pump actually pumps gas?
10. Why, on a crowded commuter train, must there always be ONE person who talks so loudly, all other conversations must cease?
11. Why, for that same individual, is their conversation inevitably and unbearably boring?
12. Why are your favorite undershorts always in the laundry?
...maybe I'll add to these later...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
10 Things You May Not Know About Me, and Could Care Less To Ask
1. I love honey mustard salad dressing.
2. My central wardrobe clothing piece is the solid black t-shirt. I wear one religiously, every day, at some point. And like Alfred Hitchcock, I have many copies of the original ;)
3. My cat ate Xmas ribbon and has been pooping it out regularly... in the litter box of course.
4. I am fascinated by space, stars, telescopes and general star gazing -- but I know so little about it.
5. I frequently visit the WWII memorial in Washington, DC as a place to quietly collect my thoughts. No one knows when I go, or that I go at all. [Alternate winter location is the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.]
6. I have a degenerative spine disorder, but continue my life as if I didn't.
7. I have a four-year plan to do something. I'm not sure what it is, yet.
8. The best present anyone could ever give me is their time and a conversation.
9. I am uber-geeky over music of all sorts.
10. I have immediate plans for SCUBA diving, skydiving, inter-continental travel, a bathroom remodel, a patio build-out and a superior bowel movement (not in any particular order).
2. My central wardrobe clothing piece is the solid black t-shirt. I wear one religiously, every day, at some point. And like Alfred Hitchcock, I have many copies of the original ;)
3. My cat ate Xmas ribbon and has been pooping it out regularly... in the litter box of course.
4. I am fascinated by space, stars, telescopes and general star gazing -- but I know so little about it.
5. I frequently visit the WWII memorial in Washington, DC as a place to quietly collect my thoughts. No one knows when I go, or that I go at all. [Alternate winter location is the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.]
6. I have a degenerative spine disorder, but continue my life as if I didn't.
7. I have a four-year plan to do something. I'm not sure what it is, yet.
8. The best present anyone could ever give me is their time and a conversation.
9. I am uber-geeky over music of all sorts.
10. I have immediate plans for SCUBA diving, skydiving, inter-continental travel, a bathroom remodel, a patio build-out and a superior bowel movement (not in any particular order).
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